Loving my life has come at a trial. Sometimes I am extremely grateful for the way I was raised and how that process landed me where I am today. Sometimes I revel in the joys of my own little world. And then other times hit me like a gloomy cliff side. This cliff creeps out of the fog of life to remind me that life is too difficult - that I can't have the picturesque life I want. It points out the flaws in my life. The things I can't do. The things I missed out on. The inhibitions I have. The life I want but will never have. Occasionally, when this cliff sneaks beneath my feet, I have an easy time moving on, getting out, and brushing my shoulders off. And then there are those other times. The times I want to let that cliff stop me. The times I realize that I don't get the picturesque life.
So what is that picturesque life? For me, it involved playing soccer from the age of 5 on up (1), high school theater (2), perfect friends (3), great family relationships (4), a boyfriend (5), money (6), time (7), a great career in public speaking and teaching (8), the best award winning photography skills (9), and on and on (10). I look back on each of those things and realize something; Most are lacking in my life.
1. I quit soccer roughly in the 6th grade. The boys my age played basketball and that was the "cool" thing to do. So I quit. I let others around me dictate what was fun. And guess what, I hated basketball. In fact, I still hate it and actually refuse to play it anymore. From middle school sprained fingers to high school church youth activities consisting of 50% basketball, I didn't know how to enjoy myself. My parents told me that it was about mindset. That took me quite a ways. But it was like watching a tv show that really annoys you; there's only so much a person can do till they go insane.
2. I quit theater the moment I said I wanted to try it. As a freshman in high school, I went through an orientation process that showed us various activities we could participate in. One of them was the inviting art of theater. The thespians seemed like the quirkiest, oddest, queerest, and most intriguing people to me. So, I took a paper from them and expressed my interest. A few adults and "friends" told me that was "gay" and that those people are "weird." Stereotypes aside, those words were a major part in trigger my major self isolating behaviors. I suddenly realized that by doing theater I would be both "gay" and "weird." Ironic now that I love my gay weird self.
3. You're not perfect, so why should your friends be perfect.*
4. Family relationships have often been strained in my life due to communication among a variety of other personal issues we wont talk about here. When you and your family don't communicate well and share poor judgement when you do, that invites a lovely cliffside. Avoid that. Just love (easier said than done, my family and I are still working on that one just like yours is). Be safe, respect boundaries, understand autonomy, and just love.
5. I wanted a boyfriend in high school. I wanted companionship, love, acceptance, understanding, and comfort. I wanted the perfect package from the perfect boy. I let the fear, guilt, and shame of being gay get the best of me. I let others control even the thoughts I had to the point that I would rather be "dead and straight" than "gay and alive." A lot of that is due to the politics, culture, and religion I aspired to be more like. I took this mindset so literally that I talked about my girl "crushes," and used my voice to speak the importance on not acting on "same-sex attractions" (Compensation Defense Mechanism much?). I now know that it's better to say "I love you" to a person no matter what than to say "I love you, but you need to stop xyz."Placing a but after an "I love you" can simply nullify that statement as one has brought love into a conditional nature in which two distinct topics are unjustly enmeshed.
6. Everyone wants money. It does a lot to help a person. But, with the occasional "no," and utilizing money for investments and savings, valuable lessons are learned. While I hate some of my current finances, I understand some priorities I must now have and enjoy life despite not making a lot of money. I also think it's worth noting that we live on an amazing planet with all we need to survive, yet mankind created capitalism which can lead to corruption and greed. It's a pity we socially evolved in such a way. Who knows what ways could be better if we gave them a chance.
7. Time is such a weird thing to want when considering the time we crave for (from seconds to years) is nothing in comparison to the lifespan of a universe that may end up not being linear anyways. So rather than wanting for something, why not just enjoy the seconds you have right now. Roll down your car windows and blast Kesha as you live life for living (if that even makes sense).
8. I wanted a career in archeology . . . no, architecture . . . no, surgery . . . no, politics . . . no, public speaking . . . no, psychology . . . no, business administration . . . no, teaching. I wanted the money and the joy of work. I've now realized that money is way less important than fulfillment. So I've quit some of my career dreams in pursuit of one that makes me feel right inside. I want to live my life in joy rather than in pursuit of something I may not achieve.
9. I wanted to work on photography and for fear of competition, I stopped. I didn't want to copy cat my sibling (love you Meg) or fail trying. Now, I couldn't care less, so I've jumped on board (albeit a little late), but I'm happy that I could at least try. Granted it's not how I imagined life would be, I'm grateful I didn't let anything control me or prevent me from doing something I want to do. Finding new passions and enjoying them is a key to battling the cliffs life brings.
10. I wanted so many things from life. I don't have all of those, but I can make the best of what I now have. And while I will undoubtedly gain some of the things I want in life, I understand I don't need them. I got this mindset thanks to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and The Seven Chakras.
To summate all of my thoughts, I shall once again share a poem:
This cliff right here, don't you see it?
At our feet, it's less than thirty feet?
thirty feet this way or that way
You don't see it? Then where is it?
Neither this way or that way?
That's rather odd
Cause it's clearer than clear so I'd veer clear
You're making no sense, it's flat land here
A smooth trail over there, and a bridge a bit yonder
But there is no cliff
Just rolling hills and rivers, no cliffs or potholes
My life goes on, no strugg--
oh wait
Where'd that come from?
Now you see! It's the same cliff
The one stopping me from peace
The one stopping me from love
No, this cliff is stopping me from life
It's stopping me from seeing my brother
It's stopping them from stopping his cancer
No, you have it wrong!
This cliff right here,
it made me queer
it stopped me from finding that lady
and having a baby
No, that's your cliff!
Mine is right here!
It's full of abuse
it stopped me from leaving home
and living my life
No, you're all wrong!
It's over there,
It's rather unfair
It made life binary
When I'm anything but
You guys!
Don't you see!
Your cliffs are unique
and it can only stop you so much
So stop staring, and build a bridge!
We can do it, all for one and one for all right?
Cause helping each other is what we need
Each cliff,
each battle,
each trial,
each life
is meant to be had, but not always alone
So live life for life
A moment in time
Don't waste it
Embrace it
A cliff is but an obstacle
It's quite possible
Even probable
That someone can help you through it
Rather than try and find a way around
Build bridges
Screw them ditches
Full disclosure: I don't mean to upset anyone by this post. It is the honest filtered raw truth of my once desired picturesque life. I understand there are parts of me that upset people. I am a little frustrated I feel a need to put this statement here, but such a large part of my identity is being a gay man and since it was part of this post, if you have a problem with it, please start learning words such as support, acceptance, and.love. Yes, that was meant to be frank. If you are unable to do so, my condolences. It shouldn't be that hard to love someone who's different than you. Let's work at trying to understand each other more and then loving together.
*more on that in another blogpost
댓글