This Chapter Isn't an Obstacle

I stumbled across this thought the other day:

"I'm trying so hard to reach the next chapter that I'm afraid I'm treating this chapter like an obstacle"

Recently, I sort of, kind of, maybe, probably, definitely lost who I was. Not in the identity crisis kind of way, but in the losing my identity in the midst of life's chaos. Illnesses, school, family dynamics, school, moving, friendship pains, school, work, oh and did I mention school? Yeah, it's been all-consuming. That is until I sat down to write this (thank you writing as therapy xoxo).

Soo, like my mom, who loves to reflect, ponder, maybe even ruminate a bit, in her own ways, I am going to be doing so now. Feel free to ignore this post or come along the journey.

I reached out to a bunch of friends and acquaintances to check in since I have chosen not to foster relationships for the last month. One of them asked me if I was taking care of myself first. The answer was an obvious no, but it did make me pause again and remind myself what taking care of me looks like. . .

For me, self-care is walks. It's meditation. It's laughing at myself when I trip. It's photography. It's bouldering. It's writing. It's video-gaming with friends 1000 miles away. It's driving. It's podcasts. It's putting my phone down. It's hiking. It's crying. It's gardening. It's propagating plants. It's cleaning. It's cooking. It's running. It's listening to music. It's pickleball. It's trying out a new coffee shop. It's drinking hot tea at 5am. It's drinking hot tea at 11pm. It's a gin and tonic while meeting a stranger. It's gossiping at school. It's water. Now that I think about it, I actually have been participating in some self-care, but my mindset hasn't let me enjoy it. In other words, I'm going through the motions, not enjoying the motions.

So, my takeaway in this chapter, which has been so focused on graduating school, networking, prepping for a career, waiting for a relationship opportunity... has been to stop treating everything like I have to get through it. You know, "just one more day." It's not one more day, it's today.

Today is the day I resume. I honestly love my life, but I get consumed in it. I'm sure you do too at times. I'm definitely not unique in my experience, but I am proud to reflect, ponder, and maybe even ruminate a bit today. Maybe a better phrase for how I feel, rather than negative rumination, is prospective nostalgia—a strange sense of longing for moments I have not even lived yet. I find myself already sentimental about the highs, lows, and ordinary days still ahead of me.

Ok, poem time! It's obligatory --

Staring up at that green leaf,

It's not the first of the season

Or the last

It's simply one among friends

Those friends have theirs

And those ones have more

Pretty soon the leaves start to take on a life

A life of a world

A world of hundreds

of thousands

of millions

of billions

Then, I look down

another world is seen

The leaves are already dry to the bone

Even in peak season

It's a death of a world

A world of hundreds

of thousands

of millions

of billions

Some say that's sad

But others say that's just how life is

To the person watching,

It's neither

You see,

Billions of lives and billions of deaths

Well,

That makes billions of stories already told

And billions more to come

And with a billion stories

There are a billion joys

Sure,

There are a billion tears

But tears are tears

And life is life

So live life for the day

And when your moment comes

Meet it fully

Until you fall to the ground

And then you will know

Even if your story is untold

That whatever comes next

You didn't waste a second

-Signing off part way through Chapter 27 of many, many more to come